is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
