im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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