He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
