The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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