dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
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After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
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The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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