Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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