Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I have tasted many bathrooms
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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