My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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