my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
