Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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