why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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