I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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