Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
