i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
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i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
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I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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