Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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