He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
