The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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