Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
