hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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