On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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