So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
