I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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