Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
