Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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