I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
