yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
