Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
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