Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
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Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.