angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!