I wish I could teleport
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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