If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
