Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
