my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
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