just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Randomize
