please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
