I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
