she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
