i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Someone came in the potted fern
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
