did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You're a waste of cheezeits
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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