Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
