I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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