john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
