So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
