If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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