apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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