Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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