i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
