my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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