I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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