he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
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