I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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