i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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