Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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