Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
