omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i was born a porn star she said
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
