can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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