Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
