Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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