I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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