just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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