I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
