Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
